To Maa, With Love

Happy One Year In Heaven.

To,

Mumma

High Above the World,

By the Bosom of Jesus,

Heaven.

Hi Maa,

It’s been 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours, and 525600 minutes since our last time together on the Earth. Our last moments together are fresh to me, as if they were just a few days ago. I still remember standing beside your bed, completely soaked with fear and pain, as it was time to let you go. I remember you were taking your last few breaths, and the hospital staff was behind me to sign the papers to pull you off the ventilator. I know the Lord called you home, but I still quiver with regret and grief that I was the one who let you go. I was the one who signed the papers to let you go, and I'm sorry for that!

Standing beside your lifeless body, I was empty and cold. As I did not know who I was, what I was about to do, or how things would go ahead. At that moment, all I knew was that I wanted you to get up and hug me tight. Having known you in and out and how dearly you loved the Lord, I bet you must have gone running to the Lord and given him a tight hug.

This one year just went by, and so much has changed. I am not the same Jamie I was before 4:00 PM on the 10th of May 2021. A part of me has gone with you. The world does not seem the same anymore. Everything seems to wane and fade away. I miss you every single moment of every passing day.

When I see others getting much time with their mothers, I miss you way more. When I watch mothers fasting and praying for their children, I miss your prayers for me. Watching mothers call their children, I miss your name flashing on my screen. At times, when something big happens, I think, "let me call and tell Mumma", but reality hits me. I call myself from your phone and keep the call running for hours. I know this sounds stupid, but what to do? I miss you.

I miss your touch, your voice, your presence around me. When I go shopping, I have no idea what looks good on me and what does not, so I end up walking out without buying anything. Maa, I have become a lost soul without you. I have distanced myself from my phone, WhatsApp and all social networking sites.

People often come to me and tell me that I have to stay strong and should not cry, but they do not know how hard and difficult it is to hide all the pain and smile. They tell me time will heal everything, but, with time, it gets all the more difficult. As the reality that you are in heaven and not with me begins to become a normal thing. Every now and then, I feel guilty that I am enjoying life without you. I feel so bad that you will miss the important events and things in my life, that you have prayed and anticipated for. Your book - “My Spiritual Walk With The Lord Along With My Daddy” has been my comfort and hold. Every time I find myself drenched in grief and sorrow, I turn the pages of your book and find solace in it. Thank you for doting down your grief journey cause now I see and feel you in every line of that book. I have no idea what is in store for Dad and me. But one thing is for sure I am never letting you down.

One good thing about your heavenly calling is that I have experienced the comfort and love of Jesus in a completely different way. I completely mean it when I say this, Maa, the Lord has taken your place. He has been amazing and has led Dad and me this past year. It would have been impossible to surpass the past year without HIS grace and HIS ever-lasting love. The Lord taught me to smile through this test of not having you around. He taught me to enjoy HIS presence and feel HIS comfort every time I miss you. Now I run to the Lord for every little thing, I constantly stay connected with HIM. All the teachings helped me not to give up and live for Jesus.

So yes, I am not defeated, but now I am a step closer to HIM.

I remember all you taught me, the spiritual and practical lessons, the house chores, church stuff and family relationships to manage. You taught me about carrying our cross and following Jesus, so here I am, carrying my cross with a smile, knowing I have my Saviour right beside me. I promise to fulfil every dream of yours and make you proud.

Thank you for being my Mumma and my everything. I'm so proud of the way you brought me up. People see a part of you in me, and every time they tell me I am just like you, I look up to the sky and smile, knowing that you must be smiling too.

Can't wait to join Jesus and you in Heaven.

So until then, I Miss you Maa.

Love you, Mumma, Always and Forever

Happy One Year in Heaven.

With Love,

Your Daughter.